In the Minds of Beck and Jade
by VintageBademance
Summary: A normal night with Beck and Jade... normal for them at least. Dirty minds, tattoos, threesomes, grapefruits, and the one thing Beck fears. Predictable. T for language and a bit of a "dirty mind" myself.


"Watcha doin'?" Beck leaned over Jade's shoulder, studying her notebook.

"Thinking up good dares for tonight," Jade replied, referring to the sleepover Cat was having.

"Ooh! Ooh! Make Cat make out with Tori's foot! Ha, ha, hilarious." Beck said, squealing like an eight year old girl.

"Let's not and say we did," Jade responded.

"Fine," He said, sulking. His face brightened. "The toilet seat!"

"Ew! No!"

"Well she has to make out with _something!_"

"What about her poster of Bon Jovi?" Jade asked thoughtfully.

"Oohh, yes! Make her lick it! Make her hump it!"

"You have a sick mind,"

"Not as sick as you,"

"As true as that may be, it depends on the day."

"Surreee it doesss…"

"Whatever,"

Beck stepped away from Jade, and started admiring the trinkets on Jade's dresser, when something shiny and silver caught his eye.

"Jade?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you have _handcuffs_?"

Jade leapt from her chair and lunged for the cuffs dangling from Beck's hand, her face reddening as Beck just held them higher. He was taller then her, and had a good half foot, easily.

"Give…me…those!" She squeaked, jumping for them.

"If you tell me what they're for,"

"When I was with _Andre_," Jade replied, eyes gleaming.

Beck froze, and looked from the handcuffs, to Jade, to the handcuffs, back to Jade. He then chucked them across the room and shuddered.

"Get me some sanitizer!" He yelled.  
>"Relax, dude, I haven't used them," Jade said. "<em>Yet,<em>" She added mischievously.

Again, from Jade, to the handcuffs, to Jade, back to the handcuffs.

"Dude, man up."

"Excuse me?"

"And you say you have a pear," Jade muttered, loud enough so Beck would hear.

"I do in fact. You've seen it enough times. Would you like me to prove it's still there?" Beck asked, starting to slide down his jeans.

"NO no no no!" Jade said, shielding her eyes and turning away, and Beck smiled smugly. "NOT in the Black Box, where someone could walk in at any time!"

"Why? It's a nice one, I'm sure someone wouldn't mind-" They continued, driving to Beck's RV and stepping inside.

"_Don't_ finish that sentence!"

"Hmm… and normally _you_ have the PG-13 rating."

"No…"

"Helen stuck one of those PG-13 rating stickers on you last week!"

"…Maybe…"

"_Definitely."_

"Fuck that sticker,"

"Maybe we should tattoo it on you."

"…Wanna see my new tattoo?"

"Oh, Jade, _another_ one?"

"Yep."

"Where is this one? On your back? Your stomach?"

"Nope," Jade grinned.

"Well then where-" Beck stopped when he turned around to his girlfriend who was facing the other way, with her shorts and lacy black underwear pulled down.

"Woah," Was all Beck managed to get out, freezing in place and let his coffee cup clatter to the floor.

Jade looked over her shoulder and grinned. "Like it?" She said, referring to the Chinese character tattooed onto her right buttock.

"Erm, Jade?"

"Yeah?"  
>"Why did you get the Mandarin symbol for bunny tattooed on your butt?"<p>

"What? No! It means passion!"

"Well, it sure takes a passion for bunnies to tattoo it across your butt," Beck chuckled, and Jade flared her nostrils.

"How would you know?"

"Our family went to Beijing last summer, remember?"

"Oh, yeah." Jade muttered.

"Babe?"

"What?"

"Rabbits are pretty cool,"

"Of course _you_ would say that,"

"Are you implying that I'm not manly?"

"No, Beck, not at all! Because _every_ seventeen year old guy just _loves_ bunnies!"

"…Offensive,'

"Do I look like I give a crap?"  
>"Yes. Very much so," Beck received a glare from Jade.<p>

"Get me a coffee,"

"You just made me drop the last of it,"

"Well then make more!"  
>"I'm out! That's the point of, 'the last of it!'"<p>

"Well, you don't have to be huffy about it,"

"Fine. You know what? Let's go get more. Starbucks or Dunkin?'"

"Do you even have to ask?"

"Starbucks it is,"

::

An hour later, a now content Jade was sitting on Beck's bed, happily sipping her French Vanilla iced coffee. Beck sat next to her, enjoying his vanilla frappeccino.

"Thanks," mumbled Jade.

"No prob,"

"So…"

"You wanna play Sorry don't you?"

"…Maybe…"

"Okay," He said, sighing of happiness, and pulling the game box out from under his TV. "But I get to be blue!"

"But Beck-!"

"Who's the one that agreed to play?"

"Fine," Jade grumbled, picking up the red pawns.

"Sorrryyyyy," Beck grinned, sending her piece back to start.

"Stupid game!" Jade yelled, kicking the edge of the game board hanging off the table, making the entire board, pieces, and cards go flying.

"Sorrryyyyy," Jade said, with a devilish grin.

"Uncalled for!"

"You sorry-ed me for the _eighth_ time!"

"Do you _want_ a time out?"

"No," Jade pouted.

"Help me pick up the cards."

"No."

"That's it! Go stand in the shower!"

"The shower-?"

"_Go!_"

"Fine," Jade skulked off to the shower, hanging her head in shame.

"Face the wall," Beck advised, while he continued to pick up the pieces and cards. Jade turned around miserably, knowing this was one battle she couldn't win.

"Okay, you can come out now, Bunny Butt,"

"_Never. Call. Me. That. Again."_

"Sure thing, Rabbit Tale."

"Call me that _one more time_ and I'll rip your face off and shred it into a batch of brownies that I will happily eat."

"…I've said it once and I'll say it again, PG-13 tattoo!"

"Not gonna happen."

"Whatever."

"You're spending too much time with me,"

"Funny. That's what my parents say,"

Another glare from Jade.

"So you wanna break up with me?"

"What? No! I never said that Jade!"

"Well, you _implied_ it!"

"No I didn't!"

"Whatever."

"My point exactly,"

"Go jump in front of a bus."

"I'd rather not, thank you very much."

"Can't you please anyone?"

"I please you… _in bed._"

"Ugh. Saying 'in bed' is so freshmen year,"

"Well then!"

"I'm bored."  
>"Well, entertain yourself."<p>

"…I'd much rather have you entertain me,"

…Oh."  
>"Oh, gosh Beck! Not like that!"<p>

"Oh…"

"I think _you_ have the dirtier mind!"

"Not possible,"

"It really is,"

"I only have a dirty mind around you! You _always_ have a dirty mind!"

"…It only sounds wrong to those with dirty minds,"

"Well then, You're the dirtiest mind of all.

"No."

"Yes!"

"Rex is."

"…Okay, so maybe he's up there with us, but I still think you've got the dirtiest mind."

"Whatever,"

"You're acting like you don't care, but I know you do."

"Dude. Give it up, you have the dirtiest mind out of the two of us."

"Says the one with the _handcuffs._"

"Do I need to use them right now?

"I-!"

"And _not _in the way you would think!"

"Awww…"

"Oh, who's got the dirty mind _now_?"

"Still you."

"At least I don't need a warning sticker!"

"I _don't _need a warning sticker!"

"And I _don't_ need to have condoms with me at all times when around you!"

"…"

"I do. That's the point."

"…I know."

"Maybe we should be learning a lesson from all of this."

"What, that we should pretend we're virgins and _not_ have most of our conversations centered around what happens when we're alone?"

"…Yeah, pretty much."

"Well, I wanted a fire-breath demon puppy from hell for my birthday, but I didn't get one."

"Must you always be so… Jade-y?"

"Yes. Or would you rather have me act like goody-goody virgin _Vega,_"

"…Not at all."

"Good."

"…Now that I think about it, I bet she's done it with Andre a few times,"

"Hey, if we ever have a threesome, we're so having Andre over."

"No way, Cat'd be _way_ better."

"Dude, Cat? Since when have you ever had any interest in _Cat?_ I bet she's a virgin anyway"

"Well…After that one time we were wasted… And things…happened…"

Jade sht up out of the bed. "_What?"_

"Oops, shouldn't have said that."

"_What. Happened. With. Cat?"_

"Babe, chill. One time, _before_ we were dating, like a week before in fact, Cat, Andre and I decided to go clubbing, and things got…crazy."

"And you haven't told me this before why?"

"Because I knew you'd react like this!"

Jade huffed. "Whatever."

"Jade, calm down."

"I'm calm!"

"Yep. Totally calm. Careful you don't fall asleep there,"

"Shut up."

"You're brutally honest,"

"Would you like to _see_ brutally honest?"

"…No,"

"Well then, today's not your lucky day! I think you did awful in class last Thursday reading that scene because you didn't connect at all with Megan, your obsession with Full House is lame and makes me think of you as a five year old girl, you really need to get a haircut before people think we're lesbians, and you need to improve your kissing, Jackson's _waayyy _better."

"…"

"I'm serious. Do I ever joke?"

"…When have _you_ been making out with Jackson?"

"When _you_ were busy with _Cat_."

"Jade! We just talked about that! It's in the past, and we've got to think of the future instead! _Our_ future."

"Sap."

"Closet sap."

"Sorry, no. You on the other hand…?"

"I take pride in my hopeless romantic-ness."

"Oh, sure."

"Yep."

"Uh, huh. 'Cause that's what you are. A hopeless romantic."

"It's true."

"I'm bored now. You know what will make me happy?

"…"

"If you get rid of Vega for me."

"Jade, I've said it once and I'll say it again. Murdering friends is frowned upon in this society."

"Too many things are frowned upon in this society."

Beck sighed. "At least my girlfriend isn't a cannible, nudist, or porn star."

"I wish I were,"

"You wish you were _what?_"

"All of the above!"

"Jade, that is not happening. Not now, not later, not ever."

"So you _wouldn't_ wanna see me at a European topless beach?"

"…I never said that,"

"Good, 'cause I would dump you if you did,"

"You hurt me,"

"Good."

"Deep inside. You've deeply offended."

"I laugh at that,"

"The pain! Oh, it just hurts so bad! It hurts so bad!"

"Your pain amuses me."

"It tears! My soul is suffering!"

"And you call yourself an actor."

"Very good, my dear Watson."

"It's elementary,"

"Makes no difference."

"I'm pretty sure it does!"

"God, Jade, just drop it."

"…Fine."

"Shouldn't you be going to Cat's soon?

"Are you saying you don't want me here? Do you want me to leave?"

"Gosh, Jade, no! I'm just worried you'll be late."

"Relax, dude. I've got time, and Cat's house is within walking distance.'

"It is?"

"You've never been there? Huh. You bang a girl and don't even know she lives two blocks away."

"Well, I'm never invited anywhere!"

"Well, you could've come tonight!"

"I wasn't invited!"

"Oh yeah, I was supposed to give you this," Jade said, digging through her purse. "Here,"

"You're giving me this now?"

"Yep,"

"Well, I guess I'm going!"

"Can't."

"Well, why not?"

"You were supposed RSVP by Thursday," Jade said, hoisting her purse over her shoulder.

"I'm sure Cat wouldn't mind."

"Fine, let's ask her," Jade said, dialing her number.

"Hey Cat,"

"Do you mind if Beck comes along,"

"Fine, I'll let him know." Beck's face fell. "Bad news, she's letting you come."

"Oh, you know you want me there,"

"Sure."

"You know you wuv me,"

"Say 'wuv' one more time, and I will kick you so hard you sing like Justin Beiber. Got it?"

"Message received."

"Good."

"We should leave within the next hour or two."

"Enh, we got a good two hours and a half to kill. Again, _walking distance_."

"Oh yeah,"

"So…"

"No, Beck, we're not watching Full House."

"But Jade-!"

"I said no! Let's watch a horror flick,"

"Oh, Jaaadddeeee, you know I hate those!"

"I should make sure Sikowitz finds out about your fear of scary movies."

"I'm not scared, I just hate them!"

"Oh, right, _that's it,"_

"Scream 4 or Insidious?"

"Which one is less scary?"

"Insidious it is," Jade grinned.

"I thought that was voted scariest film of 2011,"

"Pshhtttt… What? No!"

"Jaaddeee?"

"Fine! We'll watch Scream 4!"

"Good."

::

"Omigawd, omigawd, omigawd, omigawd!"

"Oh, don't be such a wuss!"

"She's gonna go in the house! She's gonna go in the house!"

"What? It's not _that_ predictable!"

"OMIGAWD JADE! SHE WENT IN THE HOUSE! She's dead! I know it! I just know it, she's dead!"

"Okay, Sikowitz is _definitely _hearing about this!"

::

"I am never sleeping again Jade."

"Oh, man up."

"It's all your fault!"

"Dude, it's a movie."

"Tonight, I'm gonna be up all night and _you're_ gonna have to stay up with me!"

"Dude, do you see how pale you are?"

"In fact, I'm never closing my eyes again!"

"Have fun trying not to blink!"

"Omigawd, omigawd, omigawd, omigawd."

"Dude, no reason for you to curl up in a ball and start rocking back and forth _like you are now_."

"Omigawd, omigawd, omigawd, omigawd!"

"Oh, this is so going on The Slap,"

"Jade! Put that camera down!"

"Hmm…let me think about it… Nah…"

"Jadddddeeeeeeeeee!"

"Don't be a girl about it!"

"Come on, let's just go to Cat's now, please?"

"I guess,"

"Thank God,"

::

"Jade! Put the scissors down! No! _Put them down_!"

"_Beck!_ Make her stoopppp!" Tori whined.

"But this is fun Becckkkkk!" Jade replied, imitating him, still poking Tori's neck with the scissors.

"Jadelyn August West, put those fuckin' scissors down."

"Fine!"

"That was uncalled for!"

"Not unh!"

"What did Tori do to you that it was okay for you to cut her brastrap?"

"She poked me," Jade mumbled.

"What?"

"_She poked me!"_

Beck shook his head and sighed. "Remember what you're thankful for Beck. At least she's not cannibalistic, a nudist, or a porn star."

Tori giggled. "Or a murderer,"

"Oh, if only I could be."

"Jade, stop it!"

"Whatever,"

"Yo Andre!" Beck shouted.

"Yeah?"

"Bring me a lemonade."

"On it,"

"Make sure it's pink!"

"I know what to do!"

Jade snorted. "Of course _you_ want _pink_ lemonade."

"Why not pink? It's fun and pretty!" Cat twirled her hair around her finger.

"Because it's the color of grapefruits."

"What's wrong with a grapefruit?"

"_Everything!"_

**A/N: Kind of a long one-shot. I'm thinking of continuing it, what do you think? Don't forget to check out my poll on my profile, and if you want, I'm hoping to have a few reviewers tell me what their favorite/funniest part was. And I know the ending is kinda lame, I just needed to wrap it up already. Lots of dialogue. **

**Honestly, do you think I kept them in character? I hope I managed to. Lots of dialogue screws me up sometimes.**

**-xxInk**


End file.
